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Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come. Rabindranath Tagore


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Isn't it strange how when one passes.............. to their parents ..... they revert back to the adored child that parent put so much time and love into. I found myself doing that same thing..... and I was amazed............... but my memories tend to go backward in time, to the years when you were an infant, a toddler, a young child, a teenager and last of all........... the adult you became.

Do you remember son, when we would go for walks and I'd tell  you to smell the beautiful flowers? 

I remember......... and you'd always say "AHH" as if each flower held the sweetest smell .

I'd smile, and we' d continue until we found another flower and you'd run to smell it.

Memores are God's gift to us....... how precious they are. They keep you close to me.... always.





We will meet again, my son, a hundred years from today;
Far away from where we lived and where we used to play.

We will know each other's eyes and wonder where we met;
A hundred years apart will not make us forget.

Yes, we will meet, I'm sure of that, but let's not wait til then,
Let's take a walk beneath the oaks and share this world again.
-- Ron Atchison

 

Meet me here son, we'll sit and rest awhile. I'll remember when you were an infant, I'll hold you close and sing the song you loved so much. I'll rock you to sleep and I'll thank God for all the time we spent together.

 

Meet me here son, I'll look for you when I cross over....... meet me here, we'll rest awhile together.

My beautiful, precious son, my child, my heart.


Meet me here son.......

I'll be waiting for you....

mom

 

the healing waters of baptism and

the blessed love of our Lord Jesus Christ

bring love, hope, faith and salvation to our mortal body and our souls.




 
 




This memorial website was created in memory of our beloved son/husband/father/brother Scott Matthew Hill who was born in  Everett, WA on December 29, 1967 and passed away on October 20, 2006 at the age of 38. You will live forever in our memories and hearts.


My beloved son there is not a single minute when you are not part of my thoughts.

Today I touched your face again and watched you for awhile,
I talked of things deep in my heart and wished I could make you smile,


I rubbed your head and told you, "I`m proud of you MY SON"
For all the little things you did and the way you did each one,


You showed such courage daily and you taught me how to live,
To make each moment count in life and to give what I can give,


Did I tell you "You`re my Hero" when I saw you yesterday?
Or did it slip my mind as I sadly put you away?


I know your time on earth was short, but it`s how you lived each day,
You made the most of what you had and always found a way,

You touched the hearts around you, and loved them come what may,
I wish with all my heart right now, the face I touched today,
Wasn`t made of paper or neatly placed away,


But I will put you on the shelf again, for all the world to see,
I`ll talk to you tomorrow, just like I do each day,
And I`ll tell you "You`re my Hero" as I slowly walk away.

author unknown

 


 

"There is a sacredness in Tears.They are not the mark of Weakness,But of Power.They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.They are messengers of overwhelming grief......and unspeakable Love."  

 Washington Irving


  

A Mother's Love
A Mother's love is something
That no one can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
And of sacrifice and pain,

It is endless and unselfish
And enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
Or take that love away . . .

It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .

It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .

It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .

A many splendoured miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God's tender guiding hand.

Author
- Helen Steiner Rice


Nobody told me

 for

Scott Matthew Hill

December 29, 1967 - October 20, 2006

Nobody told me that pain could cut so deep

That nights and days would be a blur

and keep me from my sleep

 

Nobody warned me when I held you close

That time was passing by

That you would someday leave me

And I’d be left to cry

 

Nobody told me that life could bring such sorrow

That  days & years would swiftly pass

and there’d be no more tomorrows

 

Nobody told me that soon the hands of time

Would steal away my precious son

Leaving memories and sadness and

Broken hearts behind

 

Nobody said my heart would break

And life would become so bleak

And that  I would wander a lonely path

And pray God my soul to take

 

Nobody said I’d be left to grieve

For all the love I’d known

For all the joys and all the smiles

Your boyhood years had shown

 

Nobody told me way back then

That my heart would someday break

now I ask myself would I do it all again

those chances would I  still take

 

Yes, Scott - my son, Oh yes I would

I’d joyfully live that life again

I’d treasure every minute, every day with you

And I’d  face it all again

 

 Rest is not a word now

and peace has long since gone

joy can hardly be remembered

and I feel so all alone.

 

Scott, my son, my precious son,

Who I lived for everyday

Has left this earth and all of us

And all I can do is pray

 

How many tears I ask myself,

How many can I cry

The tears will flow forever more,

until one day,  I too shall die

by

Jane Eisele

September 02, 2007 

 

 

 

 

Lord, you gave me a mountain this time...

I try to follow your path, to stay on the straight and narrow and follow where you lead me.... but Lord, you gave me a mountain to climb.

 

 

Watching Scotty Grow

 

There he sits with a pen and a yellow pad
He's a handsome lad
That's my boy

B-R-L-F-Q spells Mom and Dad
That ain't too bad
That's my boy

You can have your TV and your nightclubs
You can have your drive-in picture shows
I'll sit here with my little man near, we'll listen to the radio
Bidin' my time and and watching Scotty grow

Makin' castles out of building blocks
And a cardboard box
That's my boy

Mickey Mouse says it's thirteen o'clock
Well, that's quite a shock
But that's my boy

In four short years I've gone from rags to riches
But what I did before that I don't know
Well you can let it rain on my windowpane, I got my own rainbow
And we're just sittin' here shinin' watching Scotty grow

Up on daddy's shoulders and off to bed
Old sleepy head
That's my boy

Got to have a drink of water and a story read
An old teddy bear named Fred
That's my boy

Well, what's that your say Momma, come on and keep your feet warm
Well save me a place, I'll be there in a minute or so
I'll think I'll stay right here and say a little prayer before I go
'Cause me and God are watching Scotty grow
Me and God watching are Scotty grow


(Transcribed from the Mac Davis
recording )

 

 

The Ache We Hold Inside
When these children we loved are taken,
And the years pass slowly by,
You feel the grieving is over.
But the ache is still inside.

This life of ours must continue
And the tears we must learn to hide,
But you know it will never leave you,
This ache we feel inside.
Their siblings go on with their future,
And you know this is how it should be.
You share in their joys and sorrows,
But that ache won't let you free,
Where they rest, you visit less often,
And their voices are not as clear,
And our zest for life is returning,
But the ache is always near
Our friends and families tell us,
How well we handled our grief,
If they only knew deep within us,
From this ache there is no relief
When alone we talk to them often,
For we know they are still by our side,
And the warmth of our memories comfort,
But the ache will always abide

As we continue this earthly voyage,
And the calm and the storms pass by,
We will cherish our precious memories,
And this ache we hold inside.
TCF Cincinnati Chapter Newsletter
Feb. 1993, Author Unknown
 


 

 

The Rememberers by Melissa K. Votano - November 2009

 

When we see the first smile…

                We remember you.

 

When we hear the first laughter…

                We remember you.

 

When we see the first step…

                We remember you.

 

When we see the first tooth…

                We remember you.

 

When we hear the first words…

                We remember you.

 

When we see the first friendship…

                We remember you.

 

When we see the first day of school…

                We remember you.

 

When we see the first home game…

                We remember you.

 

When we see the first dance…

                We remember you.

 

When we see the first kiss…

                We remember you.

 

When we see the first heartbreak…

                We remember you.

 

When we see the child become an adult…

                We remember you.

 

When we see a true love…

                We remember you.

 

When we see a first child…

                We remember you.

 

When we see a first grandparent…

                We remember you.

 

When we first wake in the morning…

                We remember you.

 

When we lay down at night…The last thing we do…

                We remember you.

 

All through our days…for this is what we do…

                We are here to remember you.

 

Latest Condolences
Mom Saturday morning, June 12, 2010 June 12, 2010
 

SATURDAY MORNING, JUNE 12, 2010


Good morning son,

Well......... your son called me again last night and we talked for a long, long time. He's such a good kid and one of the most intelligent I've ever known. He's had to grow up too fast I guess.

He refuses to tell me where he is....... even when I beg him. He just tells me he's safe and being fed. He doesn't trust that I won't tell Ireda or Kelli. I would not do that to him.... but I would tell them he's ok. He sounds happy and determined and if necessary, I'm afraid he'll ride it out until he's 18. I can't bear to think that....... it breaks my heart but he says his mother won't let him come home unless he goes to some boarding school. She doesn't want him at home.


I asked him if he believes she loves him and he say "sure, grandma........ sure she does, that's why she won't let me come home"........ how sad. How heartbreaking for him.



If it's tough love she's using........ she should look up the results. Tough love has cost so many teens their lives and their futures. Basically...... tough love has been a total failure. They've found that communication and respect for the child works so very much better.

I hate it that he won't tell his mom where he is, I know he has enough money to eat ok, but he doesn't need it. He's being fed............. But if I knew where he was sleeping, who's taking care of him........ I'd rest a lot easier.


If Kelli would ease up a little on him, just back off his rear and let him be a person for once in his life........ he'd come home in a minute. She refuses to communicate with him, to allow any say in his life. "SHE'S THE PARENT".......... and after all these years, wouldn't you think she'd see it hasn't worked with Kevin.



We laughed, and I cried........ but we talked for a long time. I had the sense he didn't want to hang up. He's been hurt by being isolated from us. His dad's side of the family is just as important to him as his mother's side......... but Kelli makes the rules there also.

Why is life so hard? Why do some children have such an easy life and others have to struggle so hard to simply exist. Look at the difference in the way Michael and Mariah are treated. Their mom and dad have given them so much love, so much trust......... that they really don't need to give them so many rules. The kids have grown up with gentle reminders that there are lines they don't cross..........but the consequences are not so fatal when they do........ each infraction is dealt with as it comes along and not broadcast to the entire world, the police, probation officer, family, friends..........and strangers on the street. They are allowed privacy...and most of all ........ they are loved unconditionally and respected totally.  Mom and dad are always on their side, listening to them and backing them up as long as honesty exists between them. It's worked wonderfully. Those kids have so much internal strength, so much character and self esteem.


It breaks my heart that none of your children have those things and never will have them. I pray that they grow up to find wonderful mates who give them all those things they've been cheated out of.





Kevin will be 18 soon. I hate so much to see such distance between his mother and him. Kelli has always struggled with her own mom so much......... she's told us a thousand times how unfairly she was treated next to Kim................ who got away with everything. I doubt that any of that is actually true.... it's simply a child's version.... but she's old enough now to have grown out of that resentment.

 



But still, no matter what.......... She deserves to know that Kevin is safe and loved wherever he goes in life. I could not tell  them where he is because I simply do not know . But I treasure the fact that he loves me enough to call me often and let me know he's ok and not so sad anymore. We've talked several times now and he's very content to live apart from is mom. I asked him if he's sure about that..... and all he can say is "yes.... grandma............. I'm fine with it"......... but he does miss Christopher and Rebecca. 



Her mom has told me that she knows what goes on there, that she thinks Kelli has stolen the childhood from these children........ but it rolls off Kelli's back without even a second thought. So, I guess Ireda has decided to join her rather than confront her. Dick has always been totally on Kelli's side....... so I can understand Ireda's position....she's given no say in anything and really can't help Kevin because it would mean an out and out break with her daughter,. What a terrible position to be caught in.



 

So, I guess for now.... we'll maintain the status quo to see how it all goes for Kevin. He may just not return until he's 18............ but then he'll have to re-enter school. She should have thought of all this before she sent him away. He has no addiction and his anger is directed at the injustice she inflicts on him. She's the one who should be in treatment.


 

I love you son, now and forever,

mom

Mom Back to ask for your prayers for your son. June 7, 2010
 

SUNDAY, JUNE 6, 2010




Dearest Scott,

How I miss  you, I'd give anything to spend some time with you........ just hearing your voice would heal me, I'm sure. Maybe someday soon, I'll hear it, and be happy once again

 

Scott, your son........ needs your help. Kevin is hurting so badly, I've never seen a mother as hard hearted as kelli is to him. She would swear she's doing it for his sake, to "save" him....... but anyone who knows her knows better than that. She's trying to destroy him and I fear that she may succeed. She was able to take away your desire to live..... and then played the role of a martyr..... all sacrificing and all giving. But I remember, we all remember, how she hurt you until you gave up and didn't want to live anymore. You never could stand constant turmoil and anger.

I know she doesn't even recognize it in herself..... but your friends saw it and they felt so sorry for you..... and swore they'd never live like that no matter what. But, underneath it all, somehow you loved each other so much. That's what is so heartbreaking.

 

I look back now and I wonder what it was that you saw in her..... that your friends and family didn't.......  Maybe we missed the most important part...........  without a doubt she's one of the strangest people we've ever met.

I just ask you to watch over Kevin, and guide him, if you can. He's so heart broken.

And, I ask you to pray, to ask God to watch over  him and keep him safe.

I love you son, always & forever

 

.
mom Blessings for you my son June 1, 2010
 

MONDAY EVENING, JUNE 1, 2010



 Well son, here we are.... in the month of June already. The year is almost half over. Time may not be important anymore.........but it sure travels by me in a hurry.


Saturday is my birthday....... another one........ so many behind me.....but thankfully, not so many ahead of me. Grief takes away the spark that makes us want to keep striving, to keep moving forward.... regardless of what hardships we face. Poverty, hunger, illness.... all can be borne......... but not the loss of a child. That's one hardship that destroys heart and soul.

 



I haven't heard from Laurie for a couple days but will talk to her tonight. We never let more than one or two days go by without a phone call..........



We now have our flight and hotel reservations for next month's trip to Minneapolis. I'm so excited for MacKenzie....... getting her Masters degree. I'm so very proud of her... she's worked so hard and has a perfect gpa........ 4.0 all the way through her bachelor's and now her Masters....... no easy feat. She's so determined and is so willing to put the time and effort into it. Not so many young ones today are that dedicated.

 

And....... don't forget son....... she worked full-time all the while she was completing her Masters and her Professional Certification. She's capable of doing anything..... What more can I say about her? I'm beaming with pride.

 

Commencement is July 24th in Minneapolis..... and we're taking a couple of extra days to just enjoy the sites......... I plan, at least I hope.... to have a few extra bucks to give to her to buy a couple new outfits for next school year. She's confirmed for another year at Beacon Hill. In fact....... her principal told her if he had the funds to do it..... he would give her a full-time position just working with other teachers, helping them learn how to inspire the youngsters the way she does. He commented on how much he admired her ability to handle discipline and respect of the students, not just for her..... but for each other. He gave her a glowing evaluation. I'm so pleased.

 

So, not much going on here son........ it's still raining........... and will pour down tonight.... and tomorrow. I guess we've skipped spring....... and moved directly into fall. We expect this kind of weather in October and November......... but in May and June????

 

I love you son, always & forever.

 

mom

 

mom, on this Memorial Day, a day for remembering. May 31, 2010
 

MONDAY , MAY 31, 2010

MEMORIAL DAY, 2010

I'm here again son,

Today was more than a little difficult..... we were at the cemetery for a long time.... we visited my brothers' graves and of course yours. It's so touching to see the beautiful flags everywhere. I paid to have Billy and Roy's names put on the veterans board. They paid their dues and deserve to be remembered for that.

Still no word from your kids......... Kelli has decided that she will give her all to keeping them from us....... and keeping all information about them from us.

Sometimes I find it difficult to believe she can be so selfish, so vindictive, and downright evil........ and still look and actually pass for a human being. She's mean spirited.........

One of your friends told me she's tried repeatedly to depend on him for assistance and for friendship but he simply doesn't have it to give to her. He actually told me he believes she contributed to your passing so young. As I watch her in action........ I guess I believe it also.



I've tried so hard to forgive her......... and I think I'm getting to that point in my life. She has ceased to exist in my mind... I don't think about her and God knows I don't miss her. She's hurt me so badly for so many years.........  Even her own mother has admitted how difficult it is to have any relationship with her........ so how could I expect to. I do feel sorry for her though....... she creates rejection and then hates people who reject her.

I don't think she's capable of a deep and unselfish love. She demands so much from anyone who wants to love her..... and no-one can live up to her demands. She needs to have absolute control......... that says so much about her. She's so very critical of everyone.........

But having said all that......... I do have to admit.... I feel sympathy for her..... her life can't be a happy one....... anyone who carries that much hatred and anger around locked inside themself.......... has to have a very difficult life. I have found myself actually asking God to mellow her heart and let your children have some measure of peace and love in their childhood. I don't know if it's working or not....... we do not talk or communicate in anyway at all.



Her refusal to allow your family to be part of the children's lives tells so very much about her as a person. I guess I don't have to tell you about that. She also tried to keep you from them and pretty much succeeded.



Frank and I are getting old and truthfully...... we would not have been so close to your children much longer anyway. they are almost grown and will soon be making their own way in the world. I  expect to see them leave her and not remain close to her once the separation takes place........ and she'll blame anyone but herself.



So here I go........ doing the very thing I criticize her for doing.... but I don't do it outloud or tell these things to anyone else....... I only write my thoughts in places no-one can see them.......... I still ask God to forgive me when I do think hostile things about her. I know God expects me to forgive her the grief and sorrow she brought to my life....... and I swear.... I'm trying.



I'm having a difficult day..... and that's probably why I sound so negative. For the most part Kelli no longer exists in my world. So I guess I am forgiving her.............. I wish her no harm and certainly no sorrow. I just want to be free from her wrath..... and I think I am.........

Your friend Susan has been lighting candles for you and emailing me. You have some very nice friends........ who love you. It makes me happy to know that you were loved by so many...... I can forgive Kelli's anger and bitterness when I know that you were not left to her for your smiles and kindness. I guess you knew things we could see but you never admitted it or spoke bad about her, never....... not even one time. She tore you up to everyone who would listen......... but she's got that to live with. You have no regrets....... you only spoke defensively about her........ even when she hurt you so badly.


I love you my son yesterday today and always........tomorrow.

Love you Bless you Darling

mom

 

Mom, with you always You live son, in my heart and in my mind. May 30, 2010
 

SUNDAY MORNING, MAY 30, 2010



My beloved Scott, my son..........

Here we are once again son, another Sunday morning.... a long day facing me to dwell on yesterday, to look back in agony at what once was.


Yesterday was Kevin's 17th birthday. He spent it alone, in the place Kelli has sent him. She shares not a word about his welfare with me.......... so I don't know how he is, or little else. I'm not allowed to call him, and he doesn't have his phone or email. I have no idea how he is or what's happening to him. I pray for him, that he's ok and will be home soon. I fear Kelli won't welcome him back. She seems to hold little love in her heart for him........... She's a cold hearted person son........... who has no time or love for those she can't control.


Yesterday I  was putting my insurance policies together for my family and I happened upon your baby book. I was compelled to read it all once again......... the love, the absolute adoration I felt for you as my little one, my infant........

 

That didn't change Scott............. not once in all your growing up years, not even a little bit. My love grew and grew as you did.... until you were a grown man....... and it overflowed my heart.


There is no way, there are no words to explain how very sad my heart is today. It's three and one half years now........ Somehow I would think some of the grief would have subsided, but it hasn't.


It's Memorial Day weekend......... and we have silk flowers to take to your site tomorrow.... and to mom and dad's site which isn't far from yours.

It's hard to visit my family only at the cemetery.... and never to hear their voices in my ears....... only in my heart. Grief is boundless........ and relentless. It never sleeps, never gives up and holds my heart captive in a grasp that is impossible to escape. I simply endure.



My son, my heart is with you always........ I pray that you always knew how much you were loved.


Love you, Bless you, Darling,

mom